Scared to write

I don’t know if I can do two things at once …I can do two things at once- just that I don’t think I can commit to writing poetry when I want to paint. It is so weird and  right now it seems like I’m stuck in the middle…but I’m not…I just think I am…need to overcome this mindset. As long as I can remember…I only do one or the other. When I paint…I pour myself into the process…zone out. Writing verse is not the same as chatting (for me). It’s weird…(I keep using that word…it’s not weird) just a process I don’t want to use. To write poetry…I have to let go and I don’t want to.  I don’t zone out…I just allow myself to feel…I do feel (it’s getting harder and harder to articulate myself…no it’s not). I write in isolation cos I feel …I don’t know…I think I’m scared of what I’ll find.  I have written  a poem but…(oh God)…it’s …(I don’t know what to think…). I think I have 3 ‘me’s’…me the poet- can’t lie, me the artist- vivid imagination, me the chatter (verbal diarrhoea). The poem I have written is titled coin and I kinda don’t like it but I can’t change it…(this is so weird). That’s probably why I kinda stopped writing. Arrrrrrhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! I want to always be in control…don’t want my guard down…want to dictate what I feel.